No.
8096
Spent entire day sleeping on the floor. Literally. I was vigilant maybe 5-6 hours total. Exquisite
No.
8098
I need sleep pills
No.
8099
Me and me in image
>>8090>It probably won'tWell it did help, not in a good way lol , turns out I'm warmbrained.
So yah I'm gonna blame traumas, bpd, dpd for changing my personality.
But that's so retarded looking at what I went through the most reasonable option is self isolation. Why tf Ive been cursed with dependent personality disorder which is the opposite of what I was doing for years before getting it is beyond me.
and still going strongOh and apparently need of group belonging - that would explain why I had many dreams related to that - EVEN THOUGH SOCIAL PHOBIA WAS MY FIRST CONDITION.
I feel so alienated, same consciousness but a different person.
So what, now I'm supposed to try to get better for "myself" that is not even me just some construct?
Naaah, I hate this and can't even relate to these needs. They feel completely out of place and disgust me.
Yet these are "my" needs.
Fuck that, I could achieve it but prefer dying. I'm not like that and never was
No.
8100
It was a dreadful night. I was tortured by something I can't understand and identify until I found some calming music and finally fell asleep. I thought I would need to go vomit a few times but thankfully no, though my stomach was a very tight knot. What am I supposed to do when I can't even rely on falling asleep peacefully. I'm so glad my dreams are mostly supportive of me, if I loose shelter even in dreams I'll really kill myself no jokes
No.
8101
Fuck you. I am a lizard. I am just going to lie low and wait as much as I must until I finally win. You will not fucking prevail, ever. I hate your very essence.
No.
8102
223488
>>8100>>8101Screams of pain that have no meaning behind them, can you just once put some sense or explanation for your mental state just once?
No.
8104
>>8099>Well it did help, not in a good way lol , turns out I'm warmbrained. The do you mean at all by this
>the most reasonable option is self isolationThis is so fucking true just cut off this world of vomit. I have been on and off trying to this since 2020 or maybe a bit sooner I couldn't even make a step I always end up the same crawling back to imageboards and seeking interaction/closeness with/validation from this putrid scum. I hate it so fucking much. I hate this internal weakness of mine that drives me again and again towards these two legged ugly monsters. If you want to isolate yourself fucking shoot yourself in the face dude I can't believe there is another way, I have been failing hard for 5 years in a row this is so hopeless
>Oh and apparently need of group belongingSuch a fucking bullshit, this meek sickening animal inside of you begging for attention of whatever the fuck, it is driving me insane, I want to kill it so much but I can't kill it without killing myself as well. This feels so horrid desiring to be part of the clown world when you hate every single individual and for a reason. The devil is fucking eager to see me dead that's why he torments me so cruelly.
>I feel so alienated, same consciousness but a different personhow did you change so much overnight
No.
8107
fix: couldn't
No.
8108
this is so pathetic there was another liz sometime around here probably and my posts are almost complete copy of his style, unconsciously. i have failed so utterly i wonder if i have blood at all, maybe my veins are cold simply because nothing but void flows through them
No.
8109
I feel another night's horror slowly creeping in.
No.
8110
So I managed to fall asleep only to wake up hours before I need to. Sanity simply isn't going to happen right?
No.
8111
>>8104>The do you mean at all by thisHaha what
>"this meek sickening animal inside of you begging for attention of whatever"Yeah, I basically meant this. relrel
>failing hard for 5 yearsWhat do you mean exactly?
>desiring to be part of the clown world when you hate every single individualApe genes stronk, can't do shit about it.
I don't hate anyone instead am repulsed by their thought processes (but I knew people that were exception)
>how did you change so much overnight Not overnight, this happened around 9years ago. But after being diagnosed like 2 months ago I got further with becoming more aware of "myself" and understanding that the person who I was once was literally killed lol
In literal psychiatric sense (not poetic)
Naow I'm noticing all these behaviors that were not updated after the death of me.
That's why the feeling of alienation as these behaviors and outlooks are incompatible with what I became.
It's just a mess. Oh and this personality that I have now is rapidly changing depending on interactions and emotional thoughts.
But subconsciously I still haven't accepted that I lost myself that's why I'm feeling past change much stronger than daily personality swaps.
>can't explain pain and suffering that do not have any apparent sourceLearn about self-observation methods and you will find (is going to take some time).
I'm not a pro but it sounds like you need some true friends and headpats
No.
8113
>friends and headpats
Even thinking about the possibility of this things changing me for the better makes me sick to the point of vomiting. Hypocrisy and treason are human nature, deeply hardcoded in genes, whoever accepts himself as human must also accept these poisonous things as part of himself. How can you make friends with them? It doesn't matter how I twist and turn it, all human relationship boil down to using each other as tools to achieve whatever the objective. Be it money or pleasure. People even abuse each other to grind reassurance. I fucking can't comprehend this. There is no way to be friends with someone like that. BUT THERE ISN'T ANYTHING ELSE LEFT OF THE HUMAN NATURE. Think hard about it, what is warm blooded life about? There is nothing in it, inherently, genetically, it is limited to seeking pleasure, validation from others, and to building an illusion of personal safety against possible circumstances. Humans are completely, entirely empty by their very nature, hollow husks of rotten bile. They are, by the very definition of a human, unable to live a life of peaceful coexistence for the purpose of maintaining balance in the given world and without any desire to prosper. Just how much better life would be in a civilization that lives to fulfill its place it nature, that hasn't discord, hasn't all this human filth, where the society is guided by good faith, naturally driven to contribute to the overall beauty of the whole? But this isn't possible with warm bloods because they were born ugly, soulless and vile pieces of dirt. Humans were the most dire mistake of the creator.
How can I trust any of them, when betrayal is only a part of their life cycle?
No.
8115
Btw i wanted to say the fuck do you mean by that but it no longer matters because i already forgot. I really waste my time living on this planet
No.
8116
I am on the point of feeling sorry for littering lizchan with my mental shit but after my recent realization of complete impossibility of compatibility between me and this malignant world I have been feeling so acutely sick I don't know if should cut myself. They say it help. I never did it and I hate people who do it, so I am strongly opposed to it, and yet the thought got in my head and it took effort to chase it out. These thoughts that constantly seek to pain and stab me are mind killers. Not a second of a break to recuperate
No.
8117
You know, maybe I need to find a small patch of land somewhere and do quiet farming, where nobody will bother me. My mind and soul yearn to live free of human scum, but these evil buzzards are everywhere, EVERYWHERE, and I don't have the lizpowers to btfo them. Jesus Raptor I beg
No.
8118
>>8113There are people who are exception to this "God's great design". Not everyone is like what you're saying.
>the fuck do you mean by thatIt seems like that's your biggest problem lack of decent beings and pain of being alone and not understood.
Unless it's something else but you can't prove it, no? Lol
You need headpats and hugging.
>They say it helpUuh maybe for a short time if at all.
Even then you would be doing it more often and digging deeper.
To the point where it gets dangerous or just stops working.
>and I hate people who do it:ddddd
No.
8119
I understand it now. Those who seek forgiveness from others are putrid scum. They fail to see their own filth. The core of evil lies within and only within. How can you ask others to forgive your own evil? And what would it change? Disgusting rotten flesh. I will never cleanse myself of what I have done to me. Or rather what he has done to me. He who is another me but wretched, ugly, sick, vile. I can not undo any of it. There is no way out for me. I am not just trapped, it is something worse, far worse than a trap. I am implicated in malice that can not be cleared. I can not run from it, I can not overcome it, there is nothing I can do to it. I am bug sitting in the mouse of the predator, watching myself being chewed away. There is nothing, NOTHING. I must die. I must kill myself. Please let the time quicker. I am so tired of waiting. Please let me kill myself. I can not live like this. I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS EVIL UGLY SPINELESS THING. I DON'T WANT TO LIVE AS A CRIPPLE, I CAN'T ENDURE IT PLEASE LET ME DIE
No.
8120
Positive reinforcement, yeah. I understand. This beautiful feeling when there is not a place, not a single place where you wouldn't need to be on guard. Always, no matter where I go and what I do, I always end up doing something that turns everyone against me. This why I am a cold blooded abomination. There is no place for cold blood among warm bloods, they feel it and they instinctively get rid of me. This is a normal reaction. But I am not like father lizards. I am weak, I can't fight back warm bloods. They are stronger than me, because they have steadfast determination while I am burdened and crushed by my own swollen evil. Please let the come sooner. I won't even bother with anything elaborate. Good old hanging will work. I just need the possibility to reach for the rope, some time to secure it and some time to choke. So little. Can't even have that.
No.
8121
>>8119Oi Lizza past is past, it's nothing more than wasted time and hurtful scars. It's not like you can't change.
Wish I could help you go through this or at least ease the pain before you decide own fate.
I believe you would feel a tiny bit better but doing this on imageboard wouldn't work.
So remember that there is some rando willing to assist you.
Might as well try before quiting.
>>8120You wouldn't care about these social things if your blood was truly cold.
It's okay and doesn't change anything, just a label.
There is nothing wrong being in between.
Also roping fucking sucks
No.
8123
>You wouldn't care about these social things if your blood was truly cold
Why wouldn't I care about other people deliberately attacking my well being? What are you on about?
No.
8124
Oh yes if I somehow had financial means to evade the necessity to live among humans, I wouldn't give a damn, but as it stands, I have to either live closely among them or kill myself. Since I don't seem to be able to even find a possibility for suicide, there is no choice but to continue this lifeless life. And I am constantly attacked from everywhere by default even when I don't mean any harm. Why wouldn't I care? You fucking trap me in your malignancy infested den, then abuse my inability to properly defend myself to put me through agony. Why the fuck wouldn't I care? I never intended any harm to anyone, just wanted to live quietly in my own place without bothering anyone and without being bothered by anyone. Then you fucking kick in. Oh, damn the possessions, I don't give a fuck about money, but you took away my sanity. I don't properly control my own thoughts, I am no longer in full command of this body, I slowly split in two beings with one being the one that types this text right now and the other that observes and hates and ultimately influences the contents of this text. I am literally skewed enough to be hospitalized in a psych ward. Cold blood or not, there is a threshold to how much pain I can endure. I am not Socrates. I was not even trained for this shit. My limit wasn't that high. And now you fucking accuse me of being warm blooded? Just how fucking hypocrite are you? I wish I could put you through some real agony so you understood that regardless of your blood, being exposed to pain you weren't prepared to handle kills you from the inside. I wish I was just a bit stronger so I had enough spirit to recuperate, albeit temporarily, and murder you. For that would be justice. I have never asked to be implicated in the life of humans. Solitude has been my conscious choice from the very beginning. I never wanted to associate with you. I will repeat myself, [b]I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH HUMANS, JUST LIVE QUIETLY BY MYSELF, STUDY MATH, ELECTRONICS AND COMPUTERS AND DO SOME FUN THINGS WITH THEM, THE HUMAN VARIABLE WAS NEVER FUCKING EVER THERE[/b] But you forced your existence upon me. Don't fucking make such stupid gaslighting accusations now. If I could, I would rid the world of your plague once and forever.
No.
8130
>>8129this is simply not true. though it depends how you define "enough". when i get enough i'll kill myself with the kitchen knife and call it a day. anyway i have learned the fundamental impossibility of existing at peaceful terms with the world. i don't care what you lived through, i can't feel and don't even want to to be able to feel compassion. go cope. go dwell on your suffering. i don't care. my pain is my own, if you don't like my rambling don't engage me, i never engage you, never attack you first, i always want to coexist, but you just kick in and backstab with your vile deceitful claims. leave me the fuck alone
No.
8131
inb4 you're hypocrite yourself
that's right and that's why i feel so sick. and that's why i realistically don't fall in the category of either lizards or warm bloods. i am something else. something disgusting that shouldn't be allowed to live. but still i would never accept your hugs or whatever. why do you i am virgin? because muh girls don't wanna hang out with me? don't be ridiculous. i wasn't even 15 years old when i learned how deeply rotten they are and how shallow is this desire for physical closeness. how you can desire hugs, and not be incel/unvirgin at the same time? this is beyond me. i am an abominable hypocrite and liar, and i will die for it, but don't gaslight me and don't attack me. why would you do such a thing? i already suffer enough for my own evil without you constantly sticking knifes in me
No.
8132
fix: why do you think
No.
8136
To the bpd guy.
>I have no personality and it changes daily
This is so relatable. I feel like I have no identity at all and my worldview, behavior and even thoughts are entirely defined by whatever I picked up from some randos. So in the end I don't even feel like I am myself, but instead like I am some sort of an unstable fusion between people who somehow found their way into my head.
No.
8138
>>8136There are lots of things that could make you feel like this. Without paper from pro you will never know if it's the same thing, may be depersonalization, low self esteem or bla bla.
I have it since 9-12 years but diagnosed recently . Didn't bother checking it because "haha I'm just dead inside".
It's something that you can learn to dismiss.
In therapy they help you develop correct ways to think and analyze data.
+ have to create a persona that is going to be inhibiting your body.
Didn't do therapy, too expensive and I lack motivation too.
Fun fact: 70-80% with bpd attempt suicide lol
On top of that dependent personality disorder which is the most lame shit ever:
Reliance on others to make life choices, Inability to make decisions, pain when alone, excessive need for care, low self-esteem, tolerating mistreatment, overwhelming need for reassurance
^sickness that makes you retarded normie sub.
Very unlizardly, thinking I can't even call myself a liz because of this.
All this kid needed were hormones instead got these illnesses and traumas.
But such creatures get no sympathy nor cure.
The worst delusion of them all, existing beyond my personality that's why it was not wiped like everything that I once was.
God why.
No.
8139
>tired
>head cluttered
>doomscroll
>get even more fried
>yawn after yawn, zero energy to do shit
>too tired for basic operations
>yawn once more
>instead of closing imageboards, getting a few minutes of sleep and continuing the day, refresh, post, yawn once more
i really can't comprehend how it is possible to have the words human and intelligence to exist within the same language at the same time
No.
8140
>>8139unironically just have a energy drink or take some caffeine pills
No.
8141
>>8140but these are horrible for your health and i don't have much mental health to spare
No.
8142
>>8141>health>mental healthYeah I gave up on that for me a long time ago. If I die I die. This world is going to shit anyways. Not trying to sound nihilistic but I'm done.
No.
8145
>>8142less mental health more pain don't wanna
No.
8147
>>8146sorry i don't have any place to house him please give him to somebody else
No.
8148
>>8146What are you suggesting?
Crabchan?
No.
8149
>>8148At this point you'd want to also put the word 'pajeet' somewhere in the word 'crabchan', only how?
No.
8150
>>8149I don't follow. Not a clue.
No.
8152
I keep being distracted by internet it's scary at this point if I think about it
No.
8153
>>8148>Crabchan?Now that I think about it, maybe did it subconsciously
>>8149haha what, what??
No.
8155
>job
your job is existing your wage is suffering do you dare ask for more
No.
8156
>>8155We pay taxes to pedophiles and the elite.
No.
8157
>>8156and these taxes are spent developing strategies to mind control & kill us
No.
8159
>>8157You're not wrong on that unfortunately.
